It was love and joy all through until it hit us.

It’s been two months and no baby. We had stopped with the contraceptive and thought I would be preggy after that first night but still no baby growing inside of me. It was a tough two months when ever my period came as in for once, I didn’t look forward to seeing my red flag. If it was just the flag I might have been able to bear it but out of joy, Oke had told our Moms that we are planning for a baby, and so, almost every morning, I got a call from them asking if their grand child was on the way.

To take my mind off it, I started concentrating on work and left it to God to decide, given that my doctor had warned me about worrying and how it can affect conception. However, a few weeks later, on one faithful morning, I woke up feeling weak and unwilling to go to work. Hubby told me to not to get up from the bed but rest some more, that maybe I had overstressed myself the day before and so, like a dutiful wife that I was, I went back to bed only to be awakened by the sound of my bell ringing. 

I dragged myself off the bed to answer the door and see who it was and alas, it was my bestie, Faith. We had actually planned to have lunch so she had gone to my office to pick me up but when she met my absence, she decided to stop by the house to ensure I was doing ok. I assured her I was.

I quickly took a shower, dressed up and as we were about to leave the house I suddenly felt dizzy and feverish as i collapsed into her arms. In panic, she changed route and quickly rushed me to the clinic. On our way, I called Oke and told him I think I was coming down with malaria and he should met meet me at the clinic. When we arrived at the clinic, my doctor took some test and asked me some questions, he instructed a nurse to admit me so I could have some rest. Shortly after, Oke and our moms rushed in to see how I was faring. Oke had called them to tell them I was ill and on bed rest.

While the moms were busy dotting on me, my doctor came in with a big smile. ‘You do not have malaria dear; you are pregnant!’. We all screamed for joy at the statement while my mom burst into prayers, praying and thanking God. Both moms were happy that they were there to withnes the good news. I suddenly felt better and wante dto go home but my doctor insisted I stayed for a while but he couldn’t hold me down so, he told the burses to discharge me that same day as I was suddenly feeling so energetic. Oke was beaming with joy!

The arrival of this good news brought on a series of binge shopping; I was buying everything and anything for my soon to be baby. Oke too did not spare anything, he painted the nursery like 4 times before he gave up and called in an interior décor, he also tried to build the baby bed but ended up buying one. There was so much joy in our home, I was treated like an egg, not made to do anything and given everything. It was fun until that faithful day.

It was Christmas eve, and I was almost four months pregnant. I wanted the Christmas to be the most beautiful one ever as it was going to be my last one before I became a mom. I wanted to create loads of memories to share with my baby, so I stayed up all night decorating the house, long after Oke had gone to bed. I also baked some cookies and cupcakes as I wanted Oke to wake to a delightful breakfast. At about 2am, I felt a slight pain at the side of my tummy, but I brushed it off and continued to bake. At past 3am I felt so weak, so I gave up and went to bed.

Oke’s scream brought me out of my sleep and to the horrific scene infront of me. I was covered in blood, and it took just a second for it to dawn on me that it was my baby’s blood. I screamed in fear as I quickly got up and asked Oke, ‘what is going on, what are we going to do?’ he mumbled hospital and without thinking, I dashed to the door and towards the car. Oke ran after me and told me to come back in and change my clothes, but I refused. He then went back in, took a robe and gave me as we drove to the hospital. It was the longest and saddest ride ever!

It was no news that I lost the baby, I blamed myself for working so hard and so long that night even though the doctor said it wasn’t my fault that it was common for women over 35 years old to experience a miscarriage, it was one of the disadvantages of having a baby after 35. An information that did not in any way make me feel better but worse. Worse that I had waited so long for a baby and that I was not well prepared for older motherhood, if only I knew all I had to about having a baby older, maybe, just maybe I would have been able to save my baby.

If I thought the miscarriage was the worst feeling ever, I was about to find out I was wrong!

Luv

Dee