Sometimes the dreams that come true are the dreams you never even knew you had, and the dreams that you have, become the ghosts that haunt you, whispering of what could have been.
Dr Peterson confirmed my eggs were matured and due for retrieval, the process was quite straightforward, Oke kept beaming like a schoolboy in love when his sperm was collected to fertilize my eggs, his joy was contagious, and we were filled with so much hope and positivity, nothing could go wrong now. My Doctor informed me that one full cycle of IVF takes about three weeks and sometimes these steps are split into different parts and the process can take longer. Let me not go into the details. Oh well, I didn’t care how long it was going to take, I just wanted the whole procedure to turn out successful. After my IVF procedure, I felt I was one step closer to achieving my dream of becoming a mom.
We had finally come this far after going through a lot, I recall with disdain the bouts of mood swings and depression that engulfed me, the long nights I spent crying and praying tearfully and fearfully, doubting my womanhood, the shame I felt when I saw my friends with their children, I was an emotional wreck. Oh, what about the days of routine and mechanical love-making devoid of passion just because I was ovulating, nights Oke was reluctant to come home to my gloomy face, for he felt I was overreacting, I hated him sometimes because I couldn’t understand why he was so calm about my inability to conceive, joy was literally sucked out from our lives after my first miscarriage, but with the assurance from Dr Peterson before and after the IVF procedure came to a renewed hope, which birthed in us a passion so strong that we made love for the first time in months like newly wedded couples discovering a treasure that is our bodies.
Five days after the egg retrieval and fertilization we went to see Dr. Peterson and the embryo transfer was conducted on me, it was quite painless but I experienced mild cramping which I welcomed with pleasure. The side effects I experienced like mild bloating, cramping, constipation and breast tenderness due to high levels of estrogen levels were all welcome developments, a little price to pay to achieve my heart’s desire. We were informed that if successful the embryo will implant in the lining of my uterus in six to ten days time. Hmmm, I wish I can put down in words how we were feeling at this moment.
Now we had to wait for about two long weeks to find out if I was pregnant! I detest the waiting game, we had to go about our lives as normal but inside me, turmoil was brewing, I was so anxious, could barely concentrate at work, I almost messed up a business deal my Company was pursuing, I barely slept at night and when I did get a little sleep my dream was filled with disturbing pictures that I’d wake up drenched in cold sweats.
The long-awaited day finally arrived, I woke up that morning with trepidation in my heart but eager to visit Dr Peterson, I had spent hours praying the night before for a favourable result, Oke who wasn’t even big on praying joined me and we prayed earnestly with faith, early hours of the morning it began to rain, in fact, it rained a storm, I envisaged it was the rain of blessings, of good fortunes and glad tidings, indeed it was a sign of answered prayers, I believed. We arrived at Dr Peterson’s Clinic by 10:30 am, an hour before the scheduled appointment, we were impatient. A blood test was to be conducted to find out if I was pregnant.
Do you recall what I said at the beginning of my dreams? My dream of being a mom, holding my baby with the man I love had become wicked ghosts that haunt and taunts me, whispering of what could have been.
That whole day is still a blur to this day, but I will always remember it as a day of dashed dreams. Only if I knew of a group like @momat4y!
Luv
Dee
