A little sleep a little death.

I spent all my days and nights in bed, seeking comfort beneath the darkness of my duvet, Light had become my enemy, I was drenched in my very own sorrow, I felt my body was against my dreams and hopes of becoming a mom, because why did it keep betraying me? My loving and understanding hubby had done everything within his power and might to comfort me, but I just kept withdrawing from him.

2 months had gone by since Dr Peterson broke the news of the failed IVF procedure, it was the longest two months of my life and by far the saddest, I felt the sun would never shine again, it felt like I’d never enjoy a sweet melody again, my world was suddenly coloured black, white and grey, I felt empty except for the bitterness that kept welling up within me, I felt no other emotions. Oke had taken a work leave to be with me at home, but he had noticed that his presence got on my nerves, I just couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t let me wallow in my misery.

One evening while I was still in bed, I hadn’t taken a bath for 3 days and refused meals, My husband walked into the room, came and knelt by my bedside, he held my hands and I was forced to look at him, and at that very moment it seemed I was seeing him for the first time after a long time, I saw pain, I saw sadness, I saw my misery reflected in his own eyes, my misery mixed with his own misery, there were tears in his eyes as he looked at me lovingly, the moment he asked me if I was okay that evening, I sprung from the bed and held him in a tight embrace, I held on to him like he’d break if I let him go, I could feel his shock by my reaction, but he held on to me too, days later Oke would go on to tell me that on this day he felt I had finally gone loco.

In the midst of the embrace, I asked him how he was doing and he just shivered in my arms, I realized then that I had been so selfish, pushing him away when apparently we were both heartbroken by the devastating news, Oke desperately wanted a baby as I did, it was both our desire to be parents, our love for children was unequalled to none. I had no words to comfort him that evening, so I put into action my comfort plan, I got out of bed, had a bath, and put on a nice evening gown, I was going to wine and dine my husband, to see me regain myself was all the comforting he needed and that’s just what I did that evening.

We visited our favourite spot, a lovely cave restaurant, on this evening there were just a few people dining, and my husband kept stealing glances at me like I was going to slip back into depression or whatever it was that had ailed me for months, I had to reassure him that I was good, he quickly called my mom who had been waiting to hear from me, as I had refused her calls during the period of my mourning. Mom was happy to talk to me but I had to promise to call her back, as I wanted this evening to be just for me and Oke. We spent a lovely time talking about everything, comforting each other, and reassuring each other that we’d be fine and we wouldn’t give up on each other and persistently chasing our dreams of becoming parents. Before the end of that day, I felt brand new, I and Oke had each other, and our love was strong enough to see us through and birth miracles. It’s with this resolve in our hearts that we went home and discovered our passion again, the flame had not dimmed, it burnt with intensity, and we embraced it’s warmth.

First thing the next morning, our security man called me that my mom was entering the estate, hahaha, I can’t blame her, she had missed me, I and Oke quickly got out of bed and hurriedly dressed up, acting we hadn’t spent the night and early hours of the morning rumbling and tumbling in the sheet, I blush still as I write this. Mom dearest came with her hands full; I still wonder how she pulled off shopping between the previous evening and that morning, hmmm. After all the warm pleasantries, my mom strutted to the kitchen to get busy, I was glad to have her around.

We spent the whole day hosting and watching movies, I kept reassuring her I was okay, Oke had gone to visit friends as he felt I’d need some alone time with my mom and didn’t want to be in our way. After telling my mom what had been going on with me for the past two months et al, she pleaded to me not to ever give in to that depth of misery again, then she shocked me by telling me that before she had I and my brother, she had 6 miscarriages, she went further to tell me about her fertility issues with PCOS, I was in awe, I never knew this of my mom, I wondered how she had made parenting look easy, she didn’t look like someone who had had any hard time in life. It was as if she could read my thoughts because her next words were in the line of my thoughts, mom told me that we don’t wear our pains, we only wear our victories and I and my brother were her victories for the world to see. We are not defined by our pains or battles; we are defined by the process we take to emerge victorious. At that moment was I glad to have her as a mom…. Her words deeply encouraged me.

At night, both I and Oke were in bed, and I shared with him all my mom told me and he was amazed and impressed at the same time, together we made a resolve that we wouldn’t stop trying, no matter what life throws at us in our journey towards parenthood we’d surely emerge victors.

(PS: If you are suffering from mental health issues due to a failed IVF do reach out for support and counseling on momat4ty@gmail.com and we will refer you to a specialist. It is confidential and respectful)

XOXO

Dee